#this isnt a thing ppl do when they love someone
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Long ass rant and open talk about the subject
Yep yep yep . It just harm full eather youre telling someone thet there trama isnt valid bc its not the same thing you whent through or youre telling someone not to talk about theres becuse its harder to listen to. All trama is vallied,no one can tell you its stupid or not worth crying about. Sometimes the trama is more saver but thats not a medal and dusent make it more inportent then the less savere. Tragady is tragady and healing looks different for everyone. I do think its okay to talk about more and less savere tho bc trama is a spectrum and its importent fir people to know thet just becuse its more savere dusent mean they cant ir shouldent talk about it, i have the same urge to protect people from my trama bc well its a ugly thing but its still a thing that needs to be held and i feel like if ppl get there more savere storys out it could help ppl with less savere feel less like a freck and alone an show them that there not a crybaby . I feel like ppl with less savere. Trama are told not to talk about it bc no one cares or becuse everyone gose threw it or what ever bull shit resion and i feel like they should gwt a chance to speek they have just as mutch right to there story as anyone else. For me my less savere trama is that i was in a non fatle car accsadent only the car was damiged but it still really scared me and i think about it every time i get in a car now . Sometimes what couldove happend is scarryer then what did ant thats okay. And people with more suvere trama need to acknolige there not bad people for having bad things happen to them and for talking about it ,i remimber talking to some people about things that have happend in owr lives and kinda tramma bounding so i finnaly spoke up about some stuff and every one got uncomefterbull and mad at me tellinv me i was being mean and toxic bc of the trama i shared they vewed it as trying to commpet when i was trying to connect and i feel like thats what stops a lot of people from shareing there hever stuff even in open and welcoming places where its sapose to be incuriged where youre sapose to talk about it but then you do and suddenly you dont fit into there orepland box of "exceptabul to talk about tramma" qhitch isent fair all tramma is valid be it youre parents getting a devorse even tho common is a nasty and hart braking as well as life changing thing , or watching a loved one die in hoapise agin common but still harrowing or being abused heavaly growing up ,haveing less then outhers idk why people dont talk about it ( probly bc of the hole scoshial construct arond being gratefull)but being poor is tramatizeing not just bc of food lack but as well as seeing outher kid with what you want seeing all these things you want but can never have and seeing people with those things be so careless with them becuse they can just get anouther its hard to grow up poor not just bc of food and safty but becuse youre told by youre peers therw acctions or bulliying that becuse you get youre close from somewhere else or dont have the things they have or have poor hiygean bc youre famaly couldent pay the water bill ,youre told youre lesser then and should be ashaned whitch is a harsh thing to heare and can change someone for ever . Of corse more hard to talk about topics like TW
Sa ,molestashion ,phisical ,emotcinal abuse neglect ,life threataning events ,witnessing the phisical abbuse of famaly mimbers,losseng fammaly due to violince or medical issuse, involintary mental hispital stays ( irronicly) exctram iscolatshion and so mutch more
Of corse those are hard to talk about and can change youre numerological pathways or leave you emotshinoly stunted these are the tramas im refuring to when i say more savere i dont mean it as a way of saying all else are invaled when compaird i just mean they are shuned in a different way and offten chose alot of miental disorders less ssavere trammas like scoshiol and economic like TW
Devorce,absent parents ,lack of wants ,non phisicoly aggresive bullying, moveing homes abruptly or ingeneral, loss of famaly member due to old age,and so mutch more
What i think hammers in the point of commoarision being useless is i had a hard time fully desiforing the difference between savere and less saver tramma becuse well there s so minny gray areas and yah yah you can put it as "more savere trama leads to nurolojical and mental helth isuse" and "less savere tramma leads to scoshiol and familliol isuse " or what have you but its not that cut in dry like what do you mean scoshiol issuse ?? Luke they have anxiety now. Whell gess what taht means it gave them nerolajicol isues and mental helth isuse. Okay so they have trust isuse bc there parents lied to them alot ? Whell now there scoshiol structure is imbalinced and a hole outher slew of things come from it . Okay okay they have an absent father so do soo minny outhers what so bad and tramatizing about that ? Well now they dont have a trust worthy male figure in there life whitch can leed to being scared or general anxiety about men ,wemon (heare in the us ,like a comon american idk about outher places besides the midal eayst whitch i have no right to talk about bc of the sheer amout of propaganda im not a reliabule narrarator i hold no hate just ingnorince and i dont wanna be rude or assume hurtfull things due to sheer ingnerince) anyway get paid mire so they probly grew up poor with a single mouther working multibule jods becuse minamum wage cant even keep one persion happy and well taken care of so there mouthers probly streesed and stress makes people earatubule and lash out so shes probly bone or said some hurtull things so now they may have an absent father and destent mouther and maby even one wuth a drug problum . Any waylong ass exscampule but like yall get what im saying ,thaings come with so minny unmeserabule and unknown layers to compair tramma is to compair the ocean to the milky way, one feels more knowabule then the outher but bouth are so vast and all incompasing and neather are fully known or may ever be so not only is it harmuff is just plain imposabule excpeshaly becuse ower mental helth science is liemeted and beond sciense its all verry persinal and just .. Dont do it ,i bib when i was younger becuse well 1 i didnt understand what i was doing i thought the outher persion had an ojectivly better. Life them me bc little kid logic and 2 im not shure why but i felt like if i whent trew "worse" it would make me feel better like yah shure this is all awfill and will hauant me for a verry long time and ill continue to struggle with it BUT. If its worse it was real and im not a lier and its okay to cry about it. Useig trama as a tool to justafie being trammatized is not the way to go yall. I tight was a verry stupid thing to do and i regrett it deeply bu tight i cant change that. Ik outheres have done it aswell and i promise it dusent make you a bad persion ,we've all lernd and grown no need to stuff youre self in a shadow thats to small.trh not to have shame for it . Hold youre youngerselfs hand and walk them threw what youve lernd let youre self know its okay ,you are valid ,youre not a spoild brat for crying you wher a kid and stil lol may be one even if only on the inside . No worrys hun it will be okay and if not well well just have to pick are self back up agin and find the curige to start over . Atlest this time we know a little bit about what were doing and have a idea of how to get there. No one should be left behind, its importent to speek up for are selves and outhers but keep youre tone in check don tight wanna yell over anyone. Thats rude little love :]]
Sometimes im jellus of my younger sibblings becuse they have it eayser then me ( with in the home) and then i remiember all the work it took to get us heare and im sooo proud it ends with me ,the chain of generatshinal abuse ebds with me im the last The last one to purge and get rid ofandwork threw all of it its so cathartic and hartbraking but this is it i do it for them the younger and the older my anscesters and my grandchilderen its for them i am the last and its sutch a horrowing and paunfull honor im proud of my names and my anscesters im soo proud of them the more i kurn the more im gratefull, im a 6th genneratshion immogrent from france my fammaly was on the run from the cathlic church they refused to fall in line they where artest shoe makers hat makers. They worked with silver they use to be royals they where linched prosacuted as heratics some old tortcher devises where used and i think i love them for. It i love that they refuse to hold there toung and to biw there head i love that there artist like me and plenty of my liveing famaly,its nice knoweing i have a reble spark from them that im not alone in my desiers and im still so mutch like them even centures from the time they walked with the birds . I just hate i only know them by the word used to try and hurt them
The huginots :] ofc they decided to reclam it and stuff but still i know so little about them but alot as well my grunchle has picturse of documents of my grate grate grand paw and his wife requesting safty in a church both in amar INI can English and frinch ik that the fammaly was on the run long befor then i also know that i have indginus cusions whitch id love to meet i dont kniw them but i can feel it in a wierd way. Its odd and hard to talk about but i can feel it bouth and all of them i can feel my frinch ancestors as well as my indeganos and irish ones. Im verry pail tho and theres always a wierd shame that comes with it. Im the product of there downfall and it hurts . ANYWAYYY
Haha its okay its alll good. Im the last and its awsome to know no one else will suffer like this
Someone drowning in 6 feet of water is as equally dead as a person drowning in 20 feet of water.
Please stop comparing trauma and making it a challenge. It’s trauma. Not a competition or medal.
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Watched arcane season 2 act 1, thought abt it, so here are some of my thoughts in no particular order. Obvious spoilers.
Also, i watched in dub. Important to know when i am quoting charaters + when i am talking about their tone.
Starting of with something that is directly affected by dub — ukrainian Jayce is my Jayce. Ppl said he sounded condesending while talking to Ekko — not. at. alllll. true for my Jayce. My Jayce sounded tired, emotionaly burn out. "You drink tea, Ekko?" said with no though to it, in a context of continues talking of "Haha do i live here? Hahah....... Do you guys want tea? Want some tea? I'll make tea. Do you drink tea, Ekko?". But d-dub is supposed to stay true to the original— I DONT CAREEE. I love my blorbo almost-himbo Jayce, never changing his characterisation in my mind.
And i will hold Jayce's hand when i say this — you were. Just so gay for like... Essentialy going "Are you okay? Good, good" to lady Mel Medarda HERSELF and then seeing Victor and losing your mind. Sprinting with him in your hands to your lab. LIVING in your lab to monitor him. I just... I get it, you don't have many friends. But like...... Really dude. Reaally.
Give Mel and Ekko thirty minutes. I promise you they would work it out. Eternal piece would be achieved.
I know there are a lot of different opinions regarding Caitlyn. I will not be explaining in-depts what i think about her acr, because a) who cares and b) i like to see her go cray-cray. But like — why isnt anybody exept for Vi attempting to stop her??? Like why is Jayce mourning Victor's twink death instead of, yk, stopping his childhood-best-friend-kinda-younger-sister from killing ppl of Zaun, the last thing Victor wants btw? She and Vi are twenty-ish — WHYYYY are they going through it by themselves??? Why doesnt baby yoda guy with German name that i dont dare to write trying to stop the daughtrer of his ex-collegue? He is 600 or something, im sure he could've come up with advice.
Cait pointing her gun at a child is terrifying, it opens up the possibilities of her going even more blinded with anger, doing even more horrific things, and Vi is right to try and stop her. However... I know damn right i would've believe her when she said she will not miss 😭 Every single time she fired her gun she was very precise. Even in that scene she aimed at the gun the girl was holding like two seconds ago and got a perfect. fucking. score. Like i dont remember her missing at all, actually.
"Ohhhhh you're gonnnaaa haaaaaattteeee Maddie after act two—" says who? On that note, i hope both Cait AND Vi will sleep with a few random people. Good for them. Let them try to forget about each other only to realise just how down bad they are for one another. Let the scenes of Cait and Maddie hooking up intertwine with Vi's one night stand.
"Maddie is just gonna be a victim of comander Cait :(((" and i do not have any thing to say to that — we dont yet KNOW what will happen — but I dont think Cait will try to manipulate her into this. I think Maddie will flirt a bit, Cait will try and seek salvage and vulnerability in someone, especially since she is now constantly in public's eye and needs to project hope™ and stoicism™. It will be a genuine attempt to move on — not anybody's fault she can't.
But oh god, oh goooddd i cant wait for Maddie to loose the spark in her eyes due to lesbian situationship.
#arcane#arcane season 2#arcane spoilers#jayce talis#caitlyn kiramman#caitvi#Ekko#mel medarda#ambessa medarda#vi arcane#maddie nolen
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the idea of asking our psys to be our handler is looking pretty tantalizing rn
#- Casey 🍃#vi knows what ramcoa is so it wouldnt b hard#but idk if thats a good idea bc we live vim#and i dont want that to change#this isnt a thing ppl do when they love someone#and some ppl might not like it#decisions decisions#did osdd#transramcoa#plural system#radqueer#did#did system#pro endo#pro transid#transprogrammer#transprogram#transprogramming#transprogramed#transprogrammed#transprogrammer please interact#transtbmc
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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i understand the frustration with “i made this gay pairing cis x trans so they can still have biological babies” with no thought to other methods and how ppl assume thats the case when it comes to mothpool aus where mothwing is also the mother of the three, but also…. idk i kinda dont give a shit if someone wants to do that and i dont really think its inherently transphobic as long as its handled with care and respect.
what really concerns me about this debate is how some people are adamant that you cannot portray trans people having biological children in media or youre being disrespectful. and im gonna say as a nonbinary person who doesnt want children for themself- thats kinda fucking weird? like i understand that for some people, theyre trans themselves and theyre speaking from a place of dysphoria, and i absolutely get that, which is why i think the topic should be handled with nuance and diversity in trans characters, but like…. guys. pregnant trans men exist irl. trans women get people pregnant irl. trans ppl’s ability and right to parent and have biological children are being debated irl. we get denied the opportunity to adopt as well.
in a climate like this, are we SURE we want the stance on rewrites and headcanons in the silly cat books to be “if you portray trans characters having children, especially with a gay couple, youre a transphobic freak no matter what!” does it really matter? especially if its being done by a trans person handling the topic with nuance who has a lot of trans characters with varying perspectives?
obviously yes, remember that thats not the only way certain gay couples can have kids, remember that not every trans person is fully comfortable with it and keep that in mind, remember that surrogacy and adoption are also perfectly valid ways to give fan babies- but remember that there are OPTIONS. not that you need to condemn the idea of transgender parents in the first place unless they fit the very specific criteria of “proper transgender representation” and anything that dares deviate from that is proof the op is a transphobic monster (bonus points if theyre a trans creator bc i mostly see trans people getting shit for this and it kinda pisses me off. although idm if cis people do it either as long as theyre handling it with respect)
#and this isnt getting into how trans mothwing outside of mothpool is a really good way to read her character#sorry. remembered the shit bonefall got despite being trans as well and got annoyed#that especially annoys me bc hes got plenty of surrogacies but the second hed touch a trans pregnancy#‘’no you cant do that!!! you freak!!! obviously you only see trans people as a loophole for gays to have babies!!!’’#also my gf and i were talking and obviously take this with a grain of salt bc this is our experience#but…. i think a lot of the ppl saying this……. havent really talked to trans women?#dude some of the ones i know LOVE the idea of getting people pregnant#did you know trans women have sex? did you know trans people in general have sex?? did you know trans people irl wanna start families?#did you know that? did you? or do you black out at the idea of a trans woman being anything but strictly pure and nonsexual#and OBVIOUSLY this is not every trans woman. some do have dysphoria around the idea#but im genuinely starting to wonder how these people act around irl transgender parents#whether they had kids before or after coming out#bc ngl. the attitude that thinking about this makes you a transphobic pervert?#directed at trans people making content for themselves?#im starting to think you all just dont want us to reproduce. if we reproduce we arent ‘’good’’ trans people#because a ‘’real’’ man wouldnt carry a child. a ‘’real’’ woman would carry the child. and god forbid the gays even THINK about reproducing#and being around children!#if we have children then we’re doing things that might make cishets look at us and declare we’re not perfect#we’ve proved we’re not just identical to cis ppl!! (and therefore deserving of respect!)#idk. i think this was mostly a case of tumblr going ‘’oh someone said no to this so lets push this to an unhealthy extreme!!’’#and i cant help but notice nobody really brings up nonbinary parents at all in this discussion#not that we have it ‘’better’’ or anything for that but yknow. are we supposed to swear it off?#is the idea of us having kids inconcievable? or worse…. does it mean we ‘’picked a side?’’#so its not even worth getting mad at a pregnant nb person bc ‘’well thats a woman so who cares’’b#HMMMMM.#ohhhh i bet they also get mad if you make transfem pregnancy possible too. no winning#idk really think about it when you go ‘’you can NEVER EVER portray a trans person starting a family. bc REAL trans people would never.’’#ohhh you probably get mad when trans ppl dont get surgery for one reason or another dontcha#whether we want to or its not in the cards for us for whatever reason like cost and such#(while also getting mad if we do bc we cannot win in this no matter what)
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One of my least favorite parts of how JRO wrote Optimus is that he wanted so badly to continue his dark and gritty world building making the Autobots problematic, but evidently couldn't reconcile this with Optimus being a Heroic Paragon, so instead he leaned way too hard into "oh Prowl was the one who did this and it was behind Optimus' back" which if anything I think makes Optimus look worse, not better. Because then it's like, okay I know Optimus trusted Prowl a lot as his friend but you CANNOT TELL ME that over the course of 4 million years, Optimus as the leader of the Autobot army who literally would have access to 99.9% of all the records they produce, would never notice or question where some of these odd/inconsistent details were pointing. It just seems really inconsistent with how a real military would actually function, especially regarding Optimus' character, who is incredibly thorough and responsible and wouldn't neglect to keep up with all the details of his army.
Hell, Optimus knows who the Wreckers are and had them on call for tricky operations when he needed them (Stormbringer) so he's literally not at all ignorant of/averse to the use of special wartime units composed of dubious individuals. He's the fucking commander of an entire army, of course he knows that War Is Hell (TM) and no one's hands are clean. That's not even getting into all the stuff he got up to in phase 2/3, I mean everything from the annexation of Earth to OP breaking humans out of prison against Council orders shows that Optimus is no stranger to immoral and/or unlawful means.
It also leads to a lot of annoying fanon where people write Optimus (sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not) as like some sort of ignorant fool who's unaware of the machinations of his own army or has some sort of naiveté of "b-but we can't use bad tactics against the enemy! I would never condone the use of morally gray means in war!" No, IDW Optimus knows perfectly well all of the bullshit he's enacted/condoned for the sake of trying to win the war. Some stuff is definitely out of character for him and was only machinated because of Prowl, but I think this fandom REALLY underestimates Optimus' personal agency/responsibility as the commander of a whole ass army and ESPECIALLY underestimates Optimus' capacity to condone morally gray Bullshit Of War while still being a good person individually as well as, comparatively, the lesser evil compared to Megatron/the Decepticons.
Anyways what I'm saying is JRO may be a good writer but he's really hesitant to make Optimus morally gray and does some asspulls sometimes to justify most of the bad things the Autobots did as "Optimus just didn't know," and since the majority of the IDW1 fandom only reads JRO's stuff they go running with this premise of ignorant/uninformed Optimus when there's evidence elsewhere in canon to show that Optimus is, in fact, very highly aware of the bullshit he's allowed "for the greater good" and the only stuff he was "unaware of" was the stuff he would literally never agree to the ethics of, like bombing innocent neutrals disguised as Decepticons to get them to join the Autobots.
#squiggposting#idw op love#i feel like part of the issue is that for a franchise whose entire premise is war#i feel like a lot of this fanbase. hasnt actually read a lot about war (fictional or nonfictional)#bc a lot of ppl here really seem to struggle with reconciling OP as a good person and OP#as a war leader who had bad things happen under his rule#and bc they dont know much about war in fiction or IRL they treat this as like. one extreme or the other?#when like if ur someone whos read a lot of war literature it's very easy to comprehend both of these as being true#like idk i think the 'OP was ignorant' defense isnt even how being a commander works#but it's also a cop out to make OP less interesting/morally gray than he could be#like idk how to explain that war is an inherently corrupt/immoral institution where in pretty much all of history#the act of waging war in itself is a moral compromise. war is literally about killing more of the other side than they do you#you are treating human life (and society and gov and the environment) as tools for victory#no matter how righteous your cause is or if you follow rules of engagement you literally are going to do bad things#so like this idea the fanbase seems to have where they like. want OP to be sheltered/ignorant of these realities#is SO not how reality works and wouldnt ever be in character for like 99% of optimi#i'm still trying to pull together my thoughts on this sorry the tags are so incoherent
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i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.
#bpd#like i dont mean to hurt anyone else with having my breakdown on my vent blog on tumblr...#like the stuff i say isnt aimed at anyone in particular#and it's abt MY feelings which are so confusing i get a headache#my thoughts is my enemy and im such a broken and confused little girl inside fr T-T#but like yeah im sorry for upsetting ppl???#but really i feel so suffocated bc im constantly terrified of saying smth that will upset this or that person#or reblogging the wrong thing and making someone im attached to hate me#like idk.... genuinely my blog is supposed to be a vessel? a tool? smth for me to be able to put my emotions and thoughts down#and try to make sense of them. even when i cant. it really only concerns me. i dont mean to attack or hurt anyone else :/#but i mean i really shouldnt and i shouldve learned this lesson so long ago....#being confused and broken and mentally ill and not knowing or understanding things and being messy and#saying the wrong things or phrasing it incorrectly or anything like that#or like sometimes i have one thought tied to a certain emotion but it's only there in that moment#like when i feel so lonely i could die.. yes i do have kidnapping fantasies. bc i dont.: whatever i dont owe anyone a psychoanalys of mysel#but that doesnt mean i want want to be kidnapped by a stranger who doesnt care abt me... i know that would be awful and traumatizing and no#what i *want*. bc what i desire is love#but like i feel so much pain and just venting abt it or reblogging a post helps me solidify my overwhelming emotions#idk what to say like..... ☹️☹️☹️☹️#i cant even fucking blog or do tumblr right im worthless. and yeah i know i have a victim complex.. sorry 🥲#hmmm. yeah idk what to say like when i have breakdowns i have to get myself thru them without any support#and i dont mean that to attack anyone else.: we're all alone i know.#but idk how to deal w it so i just type it out. its not to attack anyone else its to try to make sense of my emptions i dont understand ☹️#anyway.. maybe i should just accept that im too fucked up and too contradictory for anyone to actually like me#there will always be smth that will make everyone not like me anymore. thats that.#thank u for the time u do give me tho i always appreciate thay#and im sorry i really truly dont want to hurt anyone else#i just dont have .. idk it doesnt matter im sorry for what its worth and if anyone even reads this#i hope not bc i dont want anyone to perceive me and stuff like i dont wanna exist to anyone#and im not on tumblr or post stuff for attention. im just in pain and have nowehrre to put it. im sorry if im lashinf out and hurting other
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#nothing makes me truly reaffirm my commitment to being poly like the day after a rugby match#i love my bf. i love them wholly and truly for who they are. i dont want them to change outside of healing. y'know that being the best you.#but i dont want them to be someone else. so the fact theyre not a coddling caregiver isnt something I'm ever going to change in them.#they bring me coffee and check in on me and set reminders for my meds and tell me when they have to leave for errands with mum#but they always have to see to other responsibilities because they are that person.#and I love them for that. i love them for being a dutiful son and a pragmatic foreman who prepares for the week.#what does this have to do with polyam james you may ask? well ill tell you-#im learning as i have been for a while now#that as i am a chief caregiver for many ppl in my life including bf and now the ruggers (im a board member)#i deeply deeply DEEPLY want/need care when im in crisis or at a low point and theres no low point quite like post match#when your systems are coming down from adrenaline and everything fuckin hurts like hell and whats worse you're injured#im not good at being taken care of i acknowledge that. but to be coddled and handled with care rn?#have someone to sit with me and make me food and eat with me and help me stay tethered and hold me a bit and smoke with me#idk not even in a sex sense just to be held and cared for#thats why poly am is a thing for me. i love my partners and I dont want to change them i dont want to force all this on them#certain needs can be met by certain ppl in certain ways etc but love is love it is always love its just shown differently#as i was writing this bf called to say he was bringing home nonalc beer for me. i know he loves me. i know he cares. it's just different.#tbd im so very tired and achy and weepy today dont mind me#the match was great for the squad but im not thrilled with myself#hence wanting to curl up in a hole and not come out
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one major difference i have found between service industry work (in my case food service but this is widely applicable to similar jobs) and other public-facing positions is that the job itself is often very similar because people is the same, it's just in service everyone approaches you already thinking they're right and you're a fucking idiot and its their god given right to disrespect you, where in other positions even if they are not nice to you they usually acknowledge that you know more than them on issues pertaining to your job. like the difference in behaviour from people who see you as serving them vs helping them is unreal. i am doing literally the exact same things. customer is always right mentality did irreparable damage to the fabric of society
#good idea generator#i loveee the library front desk everyone is polite and people will just ask you anything#they assume so much knowledge and access to data#ill be like 'just one moment let me look that up in the system' [googles name of school + upcoming events]#also not in a mean way but i never realized until i worked here how little anybody is googling anything#i think its funny and i also love to google things for people so i am perfectly suited to this#and some questions even though they are googleable the issue is more that the person isnt totally sure what theyre asking#but like. the library hours are visible on the home page. and outside the building that you just walked into on a sign#PPL DO NOT READ SIGNS. i knew that from other jobs but good lord people do NOT even GLANCE at signs#ppl would fully walk past like 4 signs about a specific thing and proceed to ask me a q about the thing. after waiting in a line#constantly CONSTANTLY ppl are trying to enter or exit through locked doors. clambering over closed signs to do so#its someones job when the library closes specifically to point out the signs and direct ppl to an open exit#and still often people will get up to the automatic doors and be baffled and confused as to why they dont open#but like even this i dealt w/this at my food service job and it was so frustrating#bc when you had to confront these people they would get MAD AT YOU. furious that they didnt read a sign telling them where to line up#but at the library people are polite and apologetic so you know it's not malice or entitlement ppl are just kind of inattentive#monumental difference tbh i actually love front counter so much people are so fun#and i like it when nobody is actively trying to kill me with their mind while we speak
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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Shinsou needs you to look at him so bad but also can't keep eye contact with you at all
Whore. Vying for your attention like a child only not being able to handle it cuz he's really just a baby deep down.
And you already know he can give the most dangerous pair of bedroom eyes if he really wants to, just has never liked someone as much as he likes you to actually want to use them seriously.
I feel like it's funny because, before you start dating, you think the reason he can't look you in the eye is just because he's aloof and doesn't care, but after you start, it's frustrating because it's so intimate and lovely and he still can't bring himself to do it! Despite always needing to be in your vicinity or up in your business, turning away the second you acknowledge him.
Getting-all-flustered-ass when you pay attention to him like he's not staring/glaring down everyone else... Yes, I would be kinda Pissed.
(It's really just because he's shy. Being all sexy and intimidating to keep people from thinking they can get all close to him.
The first time you go to the club together as a couple, you catch him giving sexy eyes to a guy chatting him up, and the second you walk over to confront him about it, he's melting under your gaze and ignoring the other person altogether... embarrassed and squirmy at the thought of you being mad at him but needing you to know it's just because he loves you so.
He just can't help it!!! And now the stranger is mad that you got him so easily... bamboozled.)
#shinso#I AM NOT DOING MY WORK THAT IS WHY I AM HERE#I AM SO NERVOUS OH MY GOD#anyway u know like#he's one of those guys where being intimate is kinda easy when he knows the person isnt gonna actually get anywhere#but the second youre touching his arm and looking him in the eyes and saying his given name he's like#OH SH*T !!!! I CAN'T DO THIS!!! //in a pos way cuz he loves u#and its weird bc u dont know whats happening?? u thought he likes u???#but he's just not used to such sweet affection#and it takes him a couple... months for him to get settled with u and be able to cuddle without getting shy#and yes he teases people with that#acting like he's gonna dom someone's *ss until you walk over and he's the sweetest man ever in the whole world#and blushes at ur every word#tbh idk if this makes sense i just have a particular vision of it + him that i want to portray#its really surprising how much ppl love shinso but don't talk abt it#sigh#caitie things#anon#gen
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one of life's little joys about tagging things is when someone shows up in your notes, having clearly gone through a specific tag in your blog
#i mostly tag things for myself but i find so much joy in other browsing my tagging system too#sometimes theres a game or something i rb something about like twice a year and then i remember it exists and i get to look at#posts of it curated by myself#also. when the tag is one of my oc tags. i feel honored more than words could describe.#like!! you would look at my guy? 🥺#also this isnt about anyone specific rn#it has just happened a few times recently and i love it#or well i guess it could also be someone seeing or being recommended a post from me#and then following the similar posts trail#but! i think its at least sometimes someone clicking themselves into a tag on my blog#and by tag i do mean tag. not search word search.#anyways. <333 in any case#i like it when something like this is useful for other ppl too#leevi talks
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Hiya!
I saw your SilRuggie post and I feel you on the "Silver and his many boyfriends" part.
Idk what it is about Silver but he's so... Shippable?
Like I ship SilVil, KalimSil and JadeSil which are kinda popular. But it's also stuff like RidSil and LeoSil (oh so much brainrot currently about LeoSil,) Which aren't as popular.
He's probably my most shipped character like... EVER.
(I may have gotten some ship names wrong)
IT’S THE CHEMISTRY IT’S THE WAY HE HAS CHEMISTRY WITH SO SOSOSO MUCH OF THE CAST!!! he’s so deeply just…good, and he cares so earnestly, and he has examples of interactions with almost fuckgng everyone at this point. like i can understand why someone would ship just abt any silver ship, i GET it, bc theres so much potential. i think i have like…3? that im neutral on? maybe?
also hearing u associate silvil with the kinda popular ones, im fuckign weak at the knees. that is incorrect but im pretending ur right bc it makes me oh so happy
#ask#nervouslywaitingforlife#its the way i like all of em. i love him he deserves love#silvil i have a manifesto abt#silkali i think they are best friends in LOVE with each other but specifically as friends. not that they love each other tho. theyre IN LOVE#does that make sense. IN LOVE as FRIENDS. IN LOVE. theyre married#jadesil gives me ‘theyll take rugged nature walks together’ and jade is so refreshed to have someone so sincere and sweet in his life#someone u can read like a book someone who will earnestly appreciate u. silver will love jades dedication and isnt put off by him like most#bc he sees ppl for the good in them. wipes a tear#silrid i feel so strongly abt. i firmly believe theyd be very sweet and good to each other. horse girls. riddle picked sil specifically for#his master chef partner. he chose him intentionally. silver acknowledges and appreciated riddles dedication and work ethic and talks highly#of him. in book6 ch6 iirc thats when riddle gets taken by styx and the way silver SHOUTS in worried fear. he LOVES him#i do think theyd get divorced but not in a funnt leovil way in a sad ‘things just arent working despite us loving each other’ way. adult yk?#leosil should take naps together. those are my thoughts. i want ruggie and sebek to find them passed tf out in the gardens on a reg basis#and this only scratches the surface of dear catríonas thoughts on sil ships. u didnt even mention silsebe and thats his most popular ship#i like him w ruggie too and jack and jamil and and and and AGGHHH dies#ADDING TO MY TAGS. FORGOT TO MENTION SILIDIA TOO. OH MY GOD THE FUCKING POTENTIAL AAAAAAGGHHHH take me off the stage i could ramble forever#me violently pointinh to my conspiracy board and detailing his chemistry with every single person in the cast
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not sure who needs to hear this but i do not see myself as above anyone, like, at all. if something I posted makes you think I think I am you're probably misreading it or my intentions. I dont feel the need to compare myself and make myself feel like i'm above people, i'm just not really that kind of person. in fact, people make a point of constantly trying to make me feel below them on here so dont worry, you don't gotta help em'.
#literally. feel free to send me an ask on anon 'what i meant' by anything. literally ever. i will gladly elaborate.#id rather you get it from me than someones wild interpretation of what i'm saying anyways.#a lot of the times when im trying to put myself on a pedestal i'm playing a character...... which im realizing now isnt immediately#recognizable for people who dont anything about my art..... uhm. well. so. i have a character. thats a jackass. and is my self insert.#but he wasnt always my self insert. but he is now. but he has always been a jackass even when i wasnt nearly as much#and since im still in the beginning of my comic in many ways im still holding on to that asshole version bc thats what hes like in#the beginning but i do actually have the wisdom and lived experience to know hes a jackass and that i dont want him to be#like that and he was always supposed to grow out of it ever since i first conceived of this comic- so in a way i hold on to it as a method#acting kind of thing. on the other hand its just a really funny persona to me. but its only really funny if you know its in the context#of a persona and thats not actually how i feel about the thing like im not actually being that extreme about it prolly sdjhfdvshjsfhvd#its the kind of persona you love to act bc you love to make fun of and mock that kind of person yknow?#idk how to explain it. but. rest assured that im probably just in my persona mode and hes very sassy and snarky and an ass#🤷 what can ya do#i also maybe put it on at bad times and not realize it and for that im sorry >_>#THAT would be bc of the bpd. and thats not me grasping for sympathy at all im speaking purely on facts.#bpd tends to make ppl express 'incorrectly' at the wrong times and yeah etc etc
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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